I make some fairly bad decisions in my life. One such decision I make over and over and over again is not going to bed at a decent hour. Well, last night, was such a night but much good came out of it. Upon reflecting on my own life I realized a flaw. This flaw is that I am afraid of fully accepting God's will in my life. God knows me much better than I know myself, so why am I afraid? I have prayed and prayed and prayed about it to no avail. The answer to my prayer, and in turn the solution to my problem, came to me last night.
I was talking to a friend and the topic of religion came up, which seems to happen quite frequently around me. She came from a Catholic school. She told me that she was not very religious anymore, and I quickly asked, why she felt that way. Her answer was so perfect that it blew me away, and frightened me. She said that she did not want to follow God, or his ways, because it might interfere with what she has worked so hard to plan in her life. Is this not how most of us are? It became so clear to me, that even though I have never been this honest in myself, this is exactly how I felt. How scary a thought it is to abandon what you want to do with your life, and accept whatever the will of God is. I struggle with this a lot. I try to overcome it, but I always seem to fall into those sins of pride and selfishness. Is that not what denying God's chance to mold us is? Is it not selfish and prideful to essentially tell God that we know his plan for us better than He does? We are but clay. God is an amazing sculptor. Why are we afraid to let God sculpt us into something more beautiful than we could ever imagine? I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I just cannot give up control. I feel like it is MY life to control. This is a horribly flawed thought process, and I think it is time to weed it out.
Something that I have really been trying to do lately is something called dying to will. I have tried so hard to kill my will and accept God's, as well as others. It is something that is incredibly difficult to do, and thus far not one of my stronger points. For example, no matter how hard I pray about it, I just cannot forgive people. It is not in my will to forgive them. Some people have wronged me so severely in my life, that I hold on to it and will not let it go. Christ calls us to forgive as He forgives, well I am a stubborn man, and I will not do it. I will not budge. Why must I be this way? Why can I not see the beauty in Christ's teaching of forgiveness? Must I continuously deny others for myself? We must die to our will. We must not be afraid to surrender my will to God. No matter how painful, or unwanted we perceive a situation to be, we must seek Christ's will in that situation. I am trying to take this step and maybe that step will lead me down the path of holiness, will you step with me?
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WOOOOO COLIN!!!!
ReplyDeleteDeep water you are wading in, but it is good stuff bro. You are on to something here. Keep praying about it.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is a humbling thing. I think if you take an honest look at yourself, and realize the sin that has hurt God, and yet how He still forgives you.....you will be able to forgive others for His sake.
ReplyDeleteSuch a difficult problem, Colin, and it's something I also struggle with a lot. Believe it or not, I have a big problem with my pride. But this relates to my experience this past weekend in Kalamazoo.
ReplyDeleteSaturday night, I prayed about, for a long time, why Christ would die for us, for our sins, to save us. Why? I just can't understand it. We aren't worthy. But what's so amazing is that God's bottomless love and endless forgiveness is the reason why.
And even though it's difficult for me, I've made a new commitment to try my hardest to imitate that. Dying to my will and accepting God's is something I always try to do, and always struggle with. But each time I try I become more and more successful with it, and I think I've been growing more in my faith as a result. It's such an amazing thing to do if you can.
I'M SORRY IT'S SO LONG. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP MY WRITING SHORT. BUT PLEASE READ IT, I HOPE IT HELPS.
ReplyDeleteSomething I think about a lot that may help you:
What if I died tonight? What then? What has become of my plans for my life? They are now in the dust. They are useless now. They may as well have never existed. But what of God's plan for my life? It still exists. It always did. Why, my death was part of that plan. God's plan for us is infallible. But our own plans are not.
In life, there are so many unknown quantities for us to think we can plan out our life and expect it to happen exactly like we plan. It never will. And you can find that out the hard way, or you can accept a greater plan. One that will always turn out 100% correct, and will always have your best interest at heart. Why can't we accept that plan? Why can't we surrender our pride, our will to do what we want, for such a plan? To follow it, we must surrender our will to God's will. Surrender ourselves body and soul to God.
Trust me, I'm an extremely logical person and I like nothing better than having control over things, whether they be situations or myself. But the most beautiful thing I've ever been able to do is to release that control and say "God, I know you know all and know what's best for me, so I resolve to follow your will, not my own. Do unto me what needs to be done, not by my will, but by Yours, Oh Lord."
I pray this all the time. I think it's extremely simple and beautiful in its simplicity, and yet so powerful a prayer. I just sit there for several minutes repeating it over and over, and God accepts it when he does. I clear my mind of all things I want and think I need, and allow Him to fill it with what I really need. He fills me with His love, and it brings me to tears every time.
I hope my experiences can help you in your striving for humility and a surrendering of your will.